Having inner conflicts and doubting yourself is something many people are familiar with. The split between head and heart or the feeling of having “two souls in your chest” is well known to many.
In my work as a hypnotherapist in Zurich, I’ve often noticed that you can also live full of self-criticism and inner conflicts without recognizing them as such. Mostly, we notice the symptoms of the inner conflict before we recognize the conflict itself.
The best and most widespread example of the result of inner conflicts is a lack of self-confidence.
Most people would like to be more self-confident and stand up for themselves more. But if your own inner parts have different ideas about what is right, that becomes difficult.
And that makes sense, how are you supposed to fully stand up for yourself if you are internally divided and not completely convinced of anything?
So inner conflicts make your own presence less convincing.
Let’s imagine: The average asshole you meet in the world thinks 100% about themselves. If you, as a nice person, now think you have to split yourself and think about others too, e.g. with “Yes, there must be reasons for it” or “Well, it always takes two” or “We have to look at this logically” or similar, then you are giving the asshole another 50%.
So in the end, as thanks for your own effort, you have 150% asshole against you. And only 50% left for yourself. And that is a completely terrible starting position.
And what happens so often when you are inferior to an asshole? You start attacking yourself even more and you increasingly stop respecting yourself. One 50% fights the other 50%, and yet the fight against yourself is the only one you can only lose.
Nevertheless, clients keep coming to my practice with the request that I should help one side win.
That sounds something like this: “Sometimes I’m like a different person, then I’m sad/angry/desperate and I don’t want to have that anymore.”
The absolute top candidate in this area was a man who proudly told me that he had an open relationship with his girlfriend. Afterwards, he told me how bad he felt about it. “Can you please make my feelings go away?” he then asked me…
Which inner split leads to conflicts?
A certain inner mosaic is given to all people. Our brain has many parts that are of different ages in evolutionary terms and that work together more or less well. Especially important, precisely in the hypnotic sense, is the division of our mind into conscious and unconscious. This is also visible in our brain.
So we are fundamentally already a hodgepodge of systems that function more or less independently.
However, that is not the split that is the topic of this article.
Because many people still have a feeling of wholeness. That also makes sense, because one of the tasks of the unconscious is to create this wholeness.
The split I mean is when these different parts start fighting each other.
For example, when someone is ashamed of their needs. Or when someone rejects their own feelings.
This inner conflict can become so strong that certain clients of mine come with statements like “I hate myself” or Tom who says: “Yeah, I don’t like Tom very much” or “I hate myself when I cry so much”.
Even with people who think of themselves as being in harmony, amazing things sometimes come to light on this topic. Because as I said, many don’t notice how much self-rejection they carry around with them every day.
How do I notice if I have an inner conflict?
As mentioned at the beginning, many people don’t really notice whether they have an inner conflict or are internally divided. That’s why it makes sense to know the signs.
Rejection of your own feelings
“I’m sorry that I’m crying”. I hear this sentence again and again in my practice. I then sometimes ask: “If not crying at the therapist’s, then where?”.
However, it is generally a good example of the rejection of your own feelings. Whoever doesn’t allow themselves to be sad or angry, or to show and live this out, cuts off a part of themselves.
This split then leads to inner conflicts, because more and more energy has to be spent to push the feelings away. If they then become stronger and stronger and you reject them more and more strongly, that causes problems.
So if you sometimes or always consider certain feelings of yours to be bad and/or want them gone, that can be an indication of an unresolved inner conflict.
Addictive behavior
On almost all packs of cigarettes it says something along the lines of “Smoking is deadly”. There are hardly any smokers left who think that smoking is healthy and yet they continue to smoke. Or maybe precisely because of that.
A lot of addictive behavior belongs in the category of self-harm. If I don’t like someone, why should I look after them. “Suicide in installments” is perhaps more fitting than it first appears. Maybe this is also a weapon in the fight against yourself.
And often an addiction is also a substitute for something that is split off, which is again a sign of an inner split.
Self-doubt
“My inner voice always criticizes me, isn’t that normal?” This question was once asked to me by a client of mine. The matter-of-factness with which he beat himself up apparently impressed me.
That the inner voice nags around is apparently quite commonplace for many people.
Nevertheless, it is not normal for one part of yourself to reject the other so much. Actually, all parts should be a team.
So if you often tell yourself internally how bad you are, that is a very good indication of an inner conflict that needs to be resolved.
Seemingly multiple people
“Whenever I’ve been drinking, I’m like someone else.” That or something similar is how it sounds in the third category of the internally torn. Here it is important to distinguish between “Sometimes I’m angry, sometimes I’m gentle” and “It’s like two different people, the feelings are like they’re switched on.”
Because the first is normal and the second is a sign of an inner conflict.
Because precisely when someone has consumed alcohol, for example, the conscious part of themselves is weakened. If this part has been suppressing the rest, this other part takes the helm.
This also shows us a conflict on the inside.
How does the inner conflict arise?
There can be many reasons why such a conflict arises. However, none of these self-doubts come from within. Imagine a person who grew up alone on a deserted island. Do they think they are too fat, too thin, too short, too tall, or too stupid? Hardly. This only arises through comparison. And it is learned.
A baby doesn’t think in such a way. It shamelessly shits in its diapers. It shows no consideration for the sleep of others when it doesn’t feel well. It permanently puts its own feelings above those of others. Anyone who has ever sat on a plane with a toddler knows what I mean. You could say, so to speak, babies are the biggest egoists.
I’m not writing this because we like them anyway, but because it tells us something. Because even if you doubt yourself now and are in conflict with yourself, we know that it wasn’t always like this. That means in your time from toddler to now, you learned that somewhere.
And what you have learned, you can also forget again.
If we now know that hardly anyone comes up with the idea of self-rejection on their own, then let’s look at where most people pick it up. In my years as a therapist, 2 main causes of origin have come up again and again:
Mom wants it that way
The absolute main reason for such conflicts lies with the parents. That might sound a bit cliché, but it only does because it’s mostly true.
No child knows what is proper or how something is “normal”. That means the child adopts what it is shown. It doesn’t even have to be specifically mentioned. The childhood atmosphere is enough.
If a person was treated badly as a child, it often happens that they now also treat themselves badly. The parents demonstrated to the child how it should be treated, and the child then copies it.
Interestingly, many parents don’t even notice this effect of their actions. Nevertheless, this behavior often persists and shows up in the most diverse areas.
If Mom wanted a nice child and the child still listens to that as an adult, then it is clear that he or she, as an adult person, doesn’t exactly shamelessly pursue their own goals.
Or if someone was rejected or treated cold-heartedly as a child, it can often be that this part of themselves is also rejected.
The child then learns that it is not worth being treated better. This behavior is then often continued into adulthood.
Political correctness
In times when politics is stuffed into every aspect of life, many also live their lives according to politically correct guidelines. However, this often has negative effects on the individual.
Unfortunately, it is not particularly conducive to a fulfilling life if you want to be as harmless as possible.
Whoever puts moral ideals above their own needs will not be able to satisfy them either.
If, for example, you have to be nice to everyone on principle, you very quickly become the target of many people who take as much from others as they can.
Whoever considers anger and aggression to be generally “evil” laces their life corset so tightly that there is no room left to breathe.
Many are then forced to always look for the fault in themselves. Whoever then becomes unnecessarily hard on themselves often has no possibility to be hard on others, or to defend themselves.
From such a split, these conflicts then arise, which can lead to addictive behavior, self-harm, and illness, and much more.
The optimal solution
Now that we know how inner conflicts arise and how you become internally divided, we still want to find out how to achieve inner wholeness. Depending on how strong the split is, the undertaking is not entirely easy.
Stop fighting yourself.
It can be that simple: Stop fighting yourself. Stop rejecting what is already there in you anyway. That might sound at first like the nonsensical “Stop being depressed” advice, but I assure you, it really works.
Of course, it is sometimes hard to look the facts about yourself in the eye and accept them. However, the judging must stop first.
Because just because you think something about yourself is shit, criticize it, reject it, or hide it, doesn’t mean you are changing anything about it. On the contrary.
Because only when you stop fighting yourself is the energy freed up that you can use for positive change.
So stop rejecting yourself, stop treating yourself so badly, and start perceiving what is inside you. Because it is yours, whether you want it or not.
And believe it or not, all parts of you want what’s best for you. So let them do that in their own way and stop the judgments.
If you are angry, then that’s how it should be, if you despise someone, then you are allowed to. And when you have fully felt and lived it out, then you can change it, instead of repressing it.
To success with hypnosis
Hypnosis holds a special status in resolving inner conflicts. Because with hypnosis, it is exceptionally well possible to mediate between the parts. This is also one of the reasons why hypnosis brings amazing success in so many areas.
In hypnotherapy, we use the state of trance. The hypnotic trance is the connecting piece between awake and asleep. And thus also the connection between conscious and unconscious.
In this state, both parts can be addressed. It has also been found in brain measurements that in trance, parts of the brain are active together that otherwise work independently.
So just through the state of trance alone, different parts get into conversation.
However, it goes even further.
Heart and head as a team
Someone who has enjoyed a good hypnosis education (for example, the best hypnosis education by Erich Zulauf and Jan Mion) knows how to communicate directly with the unconscious.
The unconscious in this case is to be equated with the heart. The part that is geared towards feelings and mood instead of the conscious mind in the head, which wants to solve problems with logic.
This unconscious does not speak the same language as the conscious mind. That’s why “stop being sad” doesn’t work either. Because the unconscious communicates in images and feelings.
So to make the concerns of the conscious mind understandable for the unconscious, we have to translate it into the language of the unconscious. Conversely, we also have to make the needs of the unconscious clear to the conscious mind.
The properties of hypnosis make it possible to mediate between the disputing parties and thus create mutual understanding.
Only when both parts understand each other can a positive dialogue arise, which can lead to a permanent conflict resolution.
Mediating appropriately
The usual wisdom “You have to listen to your heart” is only half the truth.
What I usually say to this is: “It doesn’t make sense to have a relationship with your head, and it’s not a good idea to fill out a tax return with your heart.”
That means, then, that every part has an aspect of life where it fits best.
The division of tasks is therefore also an important aspect in the team that we want to create. Because if it is clearly distributed who has to do what, no one gets in each other’s way anymore.
If all parts respect and trust each other, then they can call upon their full performance in their areas.
This makes it possible, for example, for the conscious mind to listen more to the gut feeling (communication of the unconscious) and also to stop thinking about or criticizing everything non-stop.
As soon as this inner blockage of the conscious mind is lifted, the inner flow can flow to where something was missing before.
So the focus shifts from what “should” be to what really is.
Conclusion on inner conflicts
A great many people have inner conflicts that make it impossible for them to do the maximum of what they could do.
Many problems, e.g. with self-confidence and standing up for yourself, can also be derived from the fact that the inner parts are not a team. Even if you don’t do what would be good for you, or even do something that harms you health-wise or otherwise, probably not all parts are in the same boat.
So we should concern ourselves with how the different parts can come together to form a whole. This wholeness makes it possible to fully rest within yourself and become free of self-criticism.
One of the best ways to resolve an inner conflict is hypnosis. Because with it, it is possible to mediate between conscious and unconscious. In doing so, a consensus can easily be found. A self-image, so to speak, that fits all conflicting parties.
To keep the peace, we also need a distribution of tasks. This makes it possible to bundle all your own energy to get the maximum out of everything. Be it professionally, privately, or in relationships.
All in all, it is therefore worth it to make inner peace
